Expectations are huge for the Nintendo 3DS– the just-released handheld system that has an amazing 3D display. I recently sat down with some experts, who are all SUPER SMART, to discuss the implications of this monumental release. Here are some of the changes they’ve suggested we can expect in the coming weeks as the 3DS permeates our popular culture.
1. Glasses: A Relic of the Past!
3DS games are in 3D, but not like you’re used to. You don’t have to wear those ridiculous red and blue glasses! Where does the 3D come from, if not glasses? The answer might be wizards. No one knows.
2. 3 Hour Battery Life?!
The short battery life of the 3DS will change the way we play games. By not allowing us to play them. Honestly, if you want to play this system while, say, riding the bus, you’d better hope the hobo next to you lets you plug into his portable generator. Also hope that his portable generator isn’t imaginary.
3. ZERO TOLERANCE for 2D
Check it out. You have 3D right there in your pocket. Do you really think you’re going to have the patience for anything WITHOUT an added layer of depth? Experts are predicting a drop in sales for non-3D entertainment such as posters and Sudoku puzzles anywhere from ninety-six to one hundred percent. That’s right, these mediums, for all intents and purposes, will CEASE TO EXIST.
4. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Remade!
It sounds like Nintendo has finally listened to what gamers have been saying for years: We’re tired of games that aren’t Ocarina of Time! Be honest, the remake of Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is the only reason you’re getting the 3DS, isn’t it? And after playing it on both the Nintendo 64 AND Gamecube, gamers will send a message loud and clear that they will buy a whole new system in order to play Ocarina of Time again. Nintendo is sure to listen– by this time next year, expect ALL games released to be remakes of Ocarina of Time.
5. The Great Child Uprising
Children younger than 7 are unable to play the 3DS because of the damage it may cause to their still-developing eyes. This means that while we’re all busy collecting medallions or whatever in Pilotwings Resort, those under seven will be unmonitored. Most experts believe they will use this time to meet. To gain influence. To grow power. Indeed, our politicians will be so consumed with Super Street Fighter IV they won’t even notice the under 7 set has taken control of all branches of government! They will become our kings. And what glorious lives they shall lead– Go-Gurts for all meals and cartoons to watch while you fall asleep! It’s good to be king.
6. Sony’s Attempt to Leapfrog Nintendo May Create a Fracture in the Laws of the Universe
It sounds like something out of one of your science fiction novels, doesn’t it? In an attempt to gain the upper hand over rival Nintendo, Sony may delay the release of it’s next handheld to include even MORE “D”s than the 3DS! Skipping right over 4D, Sony is expected to release the PSP 5D, a device that displays so many dimensions it may disrupt the very laws of physics. So when E no longer equals MC squared and gravity straight-up breaks in two, we’ll have SONY to thank! “THANKS A LOT FOR RUINING SCIENCE, SONY” we’ll all say. And then it’ll be time to be sucked into a vortex forever.
So what do we think guys? Are these experts on the money? Are they just making it up as they go? Or are you too busy getting, I don’t know, like, gold necklaces or something in Pilotwings to care? Let us know in the comments!